Post from Transformation Tom- Learn to Communicate Assertively: Chapter from “The Transformation of a Doubting Thomas”

May 15, 2018 / tomdowd / News

Many people internalize their thoughts and feelings. These thoughts may build up over time and cause pent-up frustration in the wrong circumstances. Some negative thoughts may gain momentum and may impact the future effectiveness of what you are trying to accomplish and even impact a relationship that is being established because of a misunderstanding that needed clarification.

As stated previously, I have a tendency to be an introverted individual and have been known to internalize feelings. I have often said, to myself, “I wish they wouldn’t do that,” or, “I wish they would stop…,” or, “I wish (fill in the blank).” I have had to make a concerted effort to push myself through these types of random thoughts and make it a point to have a conversation, especially if I want to ensure that all parties involved are on the same page.

I was flying across the country on a last-minute red-eye flight from California to New York. My originally scheduled flight had been canceled due to foul weather. I’ll even toss in the fact that I had been bumped up to first-class before the other flight was canceled. Since I had to switch airlines and make same-day arrangements, most of my normal preferences, such as window seat and front of the airplane, were not available. Unfortunately, I was given a middle seat on an airline that seemed to have smaller seats than I was used to. I was not in the most pleasant of moods as I boarded the plane.

A young woman approximately twenty-five years old was sitting next to me, to my right towards the aisle. On a flight that takes over five hours and flying through the night, I was ready to go to sleep. The airline was gracious enough to give us covers for our eyes and the seatbacks had televisions to watch when we were not sleeping. I began to warm up to the idea of this flight; until I closed my eyes for the first time. The young woman beside me was visibly nervous. She was jittery, shaking, twirling her hair, and constantly bumping into me, waking me up out of my light sleep. For two hours, I peered over her way to see her fixated on the Weather Channel. Each time the satellite picture showed the snow building up in New York, her body shook intensely. These weather updates came every twenty minutes. After being startled by her multiple times, and building up frustration of, “Wait until I go home and tell my wife how miserable this flight was,” I stopped myself. I took my eye cover off and my headset out and asked her if she was all right. She said that she was nervous (no kidding). She feared she would miss her connection and be stranded in New York.

I started to calm myself down in an attempt to empathize with her situation. I began to have a conversation with her by asking more questions about her situation. I didn’t want to spark a conversation for the sake of conversation. I had a purpose. I wanted to sleep and she looked like she needed a Plan B in New York. I had to be creative, but assertive enough to get there.

I used a level head to creatively determine what needed to occur to calm her down and create a game plan for her. I couldn’t scream at her because I had a few hours left of the flight and I think the close proximity might cause a slight issue. I asked more direct questions, such as, “What is your biggest worry?” She mentioned she wasn’t able to contact her parents in Virginia, who were going to pick her up after her connection. I asked her what I could do to help her, including assisting once we landed. We decided that we would go to the customer service desk to switch flights and I allowed her to use my cell phone to call her parents.

I started to think that I had a long time before I got home in order to complain to my wife about my terrible flight experience. I had a four hour layover until my next flight, so what did I have to lose by helping someone who obviously needed it? During my interaction with the young woman, I had to explain to her that worrying would not solve any of the issues, but actions would. I also realistically told her what I had coming up the next day, including a long drive after my final destination, and I needed the sleep. I was taking assertive steps that would have been difficult for me to take just a couple of years before.

She began to understand both sides. The young woman was gracious and appreciative of the advice and the assistance. I couldn’t tell you how she did for the next few hours, because I slept like a baby. We landed and took care of the things she had been worrying about.

Communicating assertively does not mean you have to communicate aggressively. The message is to say what is on your mind at the time it is on your mind. It does not mean go ahead and scream and shout when emotions are high. It does mean maintain a level head and state the facts, including what’s in it for you and what’s in it for them.

In another example, I took on a new position. I became the organizer of an important meeting and I wanted to impress my new co-workers by doing a good job. During the middle of the meeting, one of the leaders began to call me “Skippy.” I thought it was odd the first time I heard it, but chose to ignore it. The second time I heard it, she was asking me to do something for her. I stopped and gave a look that got an interesting reaction. I told her my name was Tom. I professionally asked her to call me by my name. She unprofessionally called me “Skippy” for the third time, and this time asked for the rest of the group to join in. Striving to get beyond the immature nature of the action, I simply responded again with a level head and said, “You can call me Tom, and if you want me to respond back, you can call me by my given name.” This conversation was not pleasant, but it was needed if I wanted to establish myself appropriately with everyone there, including the one attempting to label me with a nickname.

Again, we both had something to gain. I needed early respect in my new role and she needed things from me to have the meeting run well. We both got what we wanted, including clear expectations and a real conversation.

I look back on the many times I allowed examples like this to fester and put me in a bad mood. All those times when I was swearing in my head and fuming at the person or situation, I could have been attempting to resolve the situation. I now realize there were times I allowed unnecessary things to go on in the workplace by simply internalizing my feelings of, “I wish it would stop…,” but chose to do nothing about it. We should all be assertive when the need arises and watch problems get resolved. You may be surprised at the positive reception you get from the receiver of your message and you will appreciate your own ease in tension.

Thomas B. Dowd III’s books available in softcover, eBook, and audiobook (From Fear to Success only):

Now What? The Ultimate Graduation Gift for Professional Success
Time Management Manifesto: Expert Strategies to Create an Effective Work/Life Balance
Displacement Day: When My Job was Looking for a Job…A Reference Guide to Finding Work
The Transformation of a Doubting Thomas: Growing from a Cynic to a Professional in the Corporate World
From Fear to Success: A Practical Public-speaking Guide received the Gold Medal at the 2013 Axiom Business Book Awards in Business Reference
The Unofficial Guide to Fatherhood

See “Products” for details on www.transformationtom.com. Book, eBook, and audiobook (From Fear to Success only) purchase options are also available on Amazon- Please click the link to be re-directed: Amazon.com

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Post from Transformation Tom: Send a Note to Say Thank You, and Mean It: Chapter from “The Transformation of a Doubting Thomas”

May 8, 2018 / tomdowd / News

The typical email and instant message exchange at work ends with “thanks” or even “thx,” to which the receiver responds, “np” (no problem). People are appreciative of the assistance and support they receive, but it often feels so ineffective because of the overuse of one word: “thanks.” There seems to be no time or effort dedicated to it. Don’t get me wrong—I’m sure the people I help are appreciative of my efforts. However, the perception of that quick “thanks” because it is more muscle memory than genuine recognition may take away from the heartfelt feeling of that appreciation.

If an instant “thanks” response came within seconds from the person you helped, it probably even caused a little extra effort on your part to go back in and delete it. I have caused some debate at work when I’ve broached the subject that I have a large amount of “real” emails I need to get to in a day. The point is that I like to be efficient and don’t like to waste time. I don’t want to be misinterpreted, because I like a pat on the back as much as anyone. However, I don’t see the value of a message where someone took an extra six keystrokes and hit send.

I have often struggled with addressing a lack of genuine sincerity of many of these quick and thankless “thanks” responses. My message is that if I do something for you in the course of my normal job responsibilities, I don’t need the thank you—I will do it for you anyway. It may be my job, or I want to just help out a teammate. That is good enough for me. If I am constantly helping you out specifically, and you want to invest the time to individually thank me with a phone call or heartfelt email, I would appreciate the gesture and take notice of the invested time you took to do it.

The genuine meaning comes when the receiver perceives the feeling behind the sender’s intentions to say thank you. When the sender adds a little note that mentions specifically what they thought was special from you, this little touch makes a world of difference. As a recipient, I feel more grateful for that type of note. As a sender of thank you notes, taking the small amount of time to handwrite one is also impactful. Likewise, adding a few sentences to an email or recognition note will add a smile to anyone’s day.

In any case, I won’t get into a contentious argument in the professional environment about the etiquette of all thank you delivery and methodology. I simply want to drive home the point to ensure that the recipient feels the effort that you put into thanking them.

Finally, the recognition should also be immediate. I have seen too many examples of formal recognition months after the event that triggered it. The instantaneous response shows you are paying attention—just have it be more than “thx.” I like to build time into my schedule once a week for about fifteen minutes to reflect upon the efforts of others to send notes based on recent performance. Try it—you will make someone’s day. You do not have to thank every person for every email that you received in your inbox during the week. Try to think of a memorable experience and genuinely thank the people who deserve it—I bet you will have a smile on your face, too.

Thomas B. Dowd III’s books available in softcover, eBook, and audiobook (From Fear to Success only):

Now What? The Ultimate Graduation Gift for Professional Success
Time Management Manifesto: Expert Strategies to Create an Effective Work/Life Balance
Displacement Day: When My Job was Looking for a Job…A Reference Guide to Finding Work
The Transformation of a Doubting Thomas: Growing from a Cynic to a Professional in the Corporate World
From Fear to Success: A Practical Public-speaking Guide received the Gold Medal at the 2013 Axiom Business Book Awards in Business Reference
The Unofficial Guide to Fatherhood

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Post from Transformation Tom: Stop and Smell the Roses—or At Least Stop and Say Hi: Chapter from “The Transformation of a Doubting Thomas”

May 1, 2018 / tomdowd / News

We constantly hear how busy or stressed people are. Personally, I think this topic in the workplace has overtaken the weather as the top subject matter at the water cooler. In my opinion, we have all the time in the world—it is a matter of our choice on how to use it. We are running around manically picking up documents off the printer, emailing something important, multitasking, and jumping on conference calls. I get it. We have business to take care of.

I am a naturally fast walker. I like to get to places in a straight line and typically do not deviate from my path to get to my destination. I wouldn’t say that I am always in a hurry, but I like to be efficient. The simple act of walking fast applied an unflattering label to me professionally. I was often accused of being unapproachable. Why? I was just going where I needed to be. I always seemed to give a quick smile, I thought.

What people see is all they have. They saw my eyes forward, the straight face saying, “I am on a mission.” The quick smile was not enough to elicit a response. For the most part, there usually was something to do or a place to get to, but not always a “mission.” I was unintentionally closing people out.

In all of our busy worlds, we have only a finite amount of time each day. We must decide how to use that time. Some people like to get involved in social media (e.g., Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn), while some like to text message the person at the desk next to them. The use of electronics and the ease of virtual communication have negatively impacted our ability to even want to have a personal conversation with the people we spend a lot of time with at work. Even with the ease of electronic communications, we close people out when our faces are buried in our mobile device checking emails or simply giving a head nod to someone while a cell phone is glued to our ears.

Ask yourself the question, “Do I know the name of my co-worker’s spouse?” The message isn’t to drop everything you are doing and become inefficient at work just to get to know someone’s spouse’s name, kids, or pets. The message is to take a couple of minutes, when it makes sense, to establish a relationship with the people you work with. In some cases, it may be to re-establish a relationship with someone at a different personal level. In addition to just making someone feel valued and appreciated, the personal aspect of the job has huge benefits to the professional side.

When I managed the hardest working people in any company, the front line people who worked directly with our customers, I learned to make it a point at the beginning of every day and at the end of every day to tap the chairs of the people I worked with to say hello and thank them for their efforts. I had seen a few very well respected, senior leaders do this for years. I started doing it myself because I wanted the perception of floor presence. I kept doing it because I learned so much about people just by asking about their weekends, the ball game, or the dance recital. It created new questions and discussions for other days. I liked to surprise people with a question about their sons or daughters or ask about a sick relative. I didn’t realize how much I was getting out of it, and how the people I worked with appreciated it.

The most important part was the thank you I wanted to provide them for coming in that day to take care of our customers. It seems like Management 101, but I must have missed that day of class. However, if it is fundamental management, then why was I one of the few people doing it in the management ranks? I actually put it on my calendar to walk on the floor at certain periods of time. The appointment pop-up in the midst of a typically busy day was a constant reminder that my success was directly tied to the people doing the hard work. People often thanked me for investing the short amount of time to do this. This observation also did not go unnoticed by them. Stop and smell the roses, and find the value of a simple greeting.

Thomas B. Dowd III’s books available in softcover, eBook, and audiobook (From Fear to Success only):

Now What? The Ultimate Graduation Gift for Professional Success
Time Management Manifesto: Expert Strategies to Create an Effective Work/Life Balance
Displacement Day: When My Job was Looking for a Job…A Reference Guide to Finding Work
The Transformation of a Doubting Thomas: Growing from a Cynic to a Professional in the Corporate World
From Fear to Success: A Practical Public-speaking Guide received the Gold Medal at the 2013 Axiom Business Book Awards in Business Reference
The Unofficial Guide to Fatherhood

advice, anxiety, anxious, assertive, author, book, business, business development, Business Training, change, chapters, Coach, coaching, communication, Communications, Confidence, development, Dowd, fear, growth, Inspiration, interview, interviewing, leadership, learn, Management, Marketing, Motivation, Networking, Personal, personal growth, practical, professional advice, Professional Development, public-speaking, Résumé, Résumé Writing, roses, say hi, scared, smell the roses, speaker, speaking, stop, success, teach, Thomas, Thomas Dowd, tom, Tom Dowd, trainer, training, transformation, transformation tom, transformationtom

Post from Transformation Tom: Dedicate Time Daily, Weekly and Monthly to Write Down Your Accomplishments—What Went Right?: Chapter from “The Transformation of a Doubting Thomas”

April 24, 2018 / tomdowd / News

One of my daughters could be with friends at school having the best time. Yet, when asked, “How was it,” or, “How was your day?” she will sometimes start with all of the things that went wrong or tell us the things she did not get the chance to do when they were together. Beyond the guilt staring me in the face at the idea that some of my negativity and cynicism had rubbed off on her, I realized there was a different approach to steer the conversation down a more positive path. I found success when asking her different questions, such as, “What was your favorite part of the day?” My previous generic questions had allowed her to start the conversation with a sour taste. The more targeted question with the positive overtones maneuvered the conversation to a better place from the beginning. Many times, the conversation ended positively because so much time and energy were dedicated to telling me what went right.

I invest time in my thirty-minute commute home daily to ask myself what went right and what was the day’s biggest accomplishment? Success breeds success. I often document the successes when I get home. If an accomplishment is meaningful enough to write down, I will add it to my accomplishments folder or type it directly into my next performance appraisal self-assessment the next day.

I have time dedicated to my calendar monthly to organize my accomplishments. You can never be too busy to set aside time to pat yourself on the back every once in a while. I am not talking about hours of time. I am talking about a couple of minutes to write down a quick note, and then move on with your day. I’ve had many managers tell me how detailed my performance appraisals were. It comes across as a complete work that is often perceived to take hours of time when in reality, it is a simple routine that is pure brain dumping based on my wins.

I have also heard many peers complain when it was time to complete their own performance appraisals because they couldn’t remember what they had accomplished, or didn’t know where they would find the time needed to put it all together. They always said that the deadline was fast approaching, and the procrastination had already caught up. I simply proofread and edit my performance appraisal self-assessment prior to the deadline and send it on. You might surprise yourself with the amount of work you have accomplished in that short period of time that you may have previously forgotten. You also get the benefit of reminding yourself of the many things you have done right.

If you do have people working for you or with you, and you are part of the sit-down, performance appraisal discussion, here is the next logical move: conduct the same routine for others that you do for yourself. Invest that same amount of time in keeping ongoing notes of your team’s accomplishment for your input on their performance appraisals. Accomplishments for you and your people are often synonymous, due to the teamwork needed. The simple routine of maintaining detailed and noteworthy accomplishments and events gives you the chance to provide deserving people with the recognition they deserve. I have found that many of the details are forgotten by my team and are appreciated when they see that I didn’t forget. Additionally, you lose the stress at performance appraisal time of a looming deadline ahead, since you are well prepared. Dedicating a small amount of time on a regular basis to tell yourself and people you work with that they are good at what they do allows you to enjoy the fruits of your labor. You simply proofread, edit, and send it on its way in a timely fashion to the people who need to know “what went right.”

Thomas B. Dowd III’s books available in softcover, eBook, and audiobook (From Fear to Success only):

Now What? The Ultimate Graduation Gift for Professional Success
Time Management Manifesto: Expert Strategies to Create an Effective Work/Life Balance
Displacement Day: When My Job was Looking for a Job…A Reference Guide to Finding Work
The Transformation of a Doubting Thomas: Growing from a Cynic to a Professional in the Corporate World
From Fear to Success: A Practical Public-speaking Guide received the Gold Medal at the 2013 Axiom Business Book Awards in Business Reference
The Unofficial Guide to Fatherhood

advice, anxiety, anxious, assertive, author, book, business, business development, Business Training, change, chapters, Coach, coaching, communication, Communications, Confidence, development, doubt, doubting, doubting thomas, Dowd, fear, growth, Inspiration, interview, interviewing, leadership, learn, Management, Marketing, Motivation, Networking, Personal, personal growth, practical, professional advice, Professional Development, public-speaking, Résumé, Résumé Writing, scared, speaker, speaking, success, teach, Thomas, Thomas Dowd, tom, Tom Dowd, trainer, training, transformation, transformation tom, transformationtom

Post from Transformation Tom: Have Unprofessional Days—Gain Trust and Respect: Chapter from “The Transformation of a Doubting Thomas”

April 17, 2018 / tomdowd / News

Are you a person people trust and respect? That’s a tough question to answer on your own because trust and respect can’t be asked for—they must be earned. Trust and respect are also easy to lose. In my first year of working, we had a person going through a management development program that covered our team in my manager’s absence. The team was not listening to him. They were having side conversations in the middle of a staff meeting. The manager-wannabe screamed out, “You need to respect me.” No, we did not have to respect him. In fact, whatever little respect we might have had was now gone. Respect can’t simply be demanded.

The same is true for trust. Trust has to be gained. It takes a while for some people you are working with to truly trust you. However, in a company working towards a common objective and goal, it is critical to find the trust of the right people, especially people with whom you work closely. Of all my shortfalls, being ethical and trying to do the right thing were not one of them. Although I had issues earning respect from people who worked for me early in my career, trust seemed to be easier to gain. I needed to find a creative way to do both.

I am not a big fan of rumors, talking badly about people we work with, or yelling and screaming in the workplace. However, there are some days you want to bang your head against a wall. There have been occasions I have placed my phone on mute and stuck my tongue out at the computer. This is a very effective way to let off some steam and stem some frustration.

I found a creative way to earn both trust and respect. I used the trusting reputation I had and gave people an ear during times they needed to vent. I have shocked many people working with me when they started down a tirade or sounded frustrated by encouraging the conversation to go further. Depending on the day of the week this event would occur, I asked them if they wanted this to be “unprofessional Monday (or Tuesday, or Wednesday, or Thursday, or Friday).” As expected, I often caught people off guard with the question. However, the question often lightened the mood and allowed me to explain the opportunity that they could have a protected and supportive conversation to get them through the issue. What started as a joke to break up the frustration of a couple of individuals has now turned into a regular routine I have done for many years. I once had a person from Human Resources pull me to the side to “discuss” my “unprofessional Tuesdays.” I thought I was about to get an earful from someone who frowned upon it. She started chuckling and commended me for creating an open environment, and made a comment that she might need to come to see me herself for a couple of frustrating moments she wanted to get off her own chest.

The cleansing feeling of letting it all out eventually comes. First, it eases some tension the person may be feeling. However, most people start to tentatively tell me what’s going on. Pent-up frustration soon turns into open dialogue. The discussion might start with problem dumping but most often turns into problem-solving sessions. When they know that what they’ve said behind closed doors (literally or figuratively) stays there in confidence, I earn their trust a little at a time.

In the long term, I am building credibility as a listener, a confidant, and nurturing the relationship with that person. The relationship aspect grows over time, which further allows more complex problem-solving. By proactively offering my services to give the person a time and place, even unscheduled, to complain, I actually see the complaints diminish as the person learns to deal more effectively with his or her frustration levels.

This is not a wide-open invitation to “roll buses.” However, I have found that this exercise allowed me to better understand the emotions people experience and how venting clears their heads. Once emotions are in check, the person becomes more objective in his or her thinking. People need to be comfortable in order to speak their minds. By providing a place for them to do that freely, they can become more effective in the short- and long term, and you as a manager or mentor gain trust and respect.

Thomas B. Dowd III’s books available in softcover, eBook, and audiobook (From Fear to Success only):

Now What? The Ultimate Graduation Gift for Professional Success
Time Management Manifesto: Expert Strategies to Create an Effective Work/Life Balance
Displacement Day: When My Job was Looking for a Job…A Reference Guide to Finding Work
The Transformation of a Doubting Thomas: Growing from a Cynic to a Professional in the Corporate World
From Fear to Success: A Practical Public-speaking Guide received the Gold Medal at the 2013 Axiom Business Book Awards in Business Reference
The Unofficial Guide to Fatherhood

advice, anxiety, anxious, assertive, author, book, business, business development, Business Training, change, chapters, Coach, coaching, communication, Communications, Confidence, development, doubt, doubting, doubting thomas, Dowd, fear, growth, Inspiration, interview, interviewing, leadership, learn, Management, Marketing, Motivation, national speakers association, Networking, NSA, Personal, personal growth, practical, professional advice, Professional Development, public-speaking, respect, Résumé, Résumé Writing, scared, speaker, speaking, stage fright, success, teach, Thomas, Thomas Dowd, tom, Tom Dowd, trainer, training, transformation, transformation tom, transformationtom, trust

Post from Transformation Tom: Be a Mentor, and Learn Something Yourself- Chapter from “The Transformation of a Doubting Thomas”

April 7, 2018 / tomdowd / News

I never connected the dots about how much I missed leading people until I stopped managing them. I was finding teachable moments from lessons I had learned that needed to be expressed and found I was lacking the people to tell. I think I found therapy in sharing all of my mistakes with others. I often told people regularly, “Don’t step on any toes, don’t burn any bridges, and keep the lines of communications open…because you will cross paths again.” The purpose was to remind people that even if we part ways, we can still be there for each other.

Working for me was once described as swimming in the oceans of Maine. Initially, when you jump in, you are shocked and can barely move. After a while, you get used to it, are refreshed, and ultimately you learn to enjoy swimming in it. I had enough people tell me how much they learned under my management, but only after they had time to reflect on our time together (often many years later). Since at the time I held positions that involved more project management versus people management, I longed for the two-way dialogue of professional development conversations. Once I realized that I did, eventually, have a positive influence on people, I knew I wanted to at least be a mentor. As a mentor, I also came to the conclusion that the people I mentored—as opposed to those I managed—didn’t have to listen to me, so I had to work harder to exert the right influence. I wanted to be a teacher again without having people wait years for that “aha” moment that they had learned something from me. I wanted to do it without throwing people into the ocean first.

It is interesting how people would come to me to say how they wanted me to teach their newer leaders how to be better organized, or to teach managers how to be more direct. I underestimated the influence I was having on people who were eager to learn. By investing time with others with no strings attached, I began to naturally soften my directness because they had no vested interest in my teachings unless I could give them something impactful to walk away with. From an objective mentoring point of view, I could teach without forcing the issue. I could adapt my teachings based on what worked best for that person’s style or situation.

I found myself more effective in influencing others as I was learning myself. I found success in building bridges, and actively sharing my past successes and failures. Most importantly, I was becoming a better listener. I was growing more patient, and was no longer just hearing the words but was truly listening. I improved my communication skills by understanding the impact I had on others when I tried to speak over them or ignore their comments while I tried to come up with the next thing to say.

I was becoming someone else’s sounding board. I could have put on my psychiatrist hat for some sessions. It depended on what the person I was mentoring at the time wanted or needed. I began to better adapt my advice and teachings based on various situations. I became a stronger role model and a better mentor. Many people have invested their time and energy to share their knowledge with me as my mentors. I knew I wanted to do the same. Selfishly, I just couldn’t—and still can’t—get past the fact the every time I mentor someone, I walk away thanking them.

Thomas B. Dowd III’s books available in softcover, eBook, and audiobook (From Fear to Success only):

Now What? The Ultimate Graduation Gift for Professional Success
Time Management Manifesto: Expert Strategies to Create an Effective Work/Life Balance
Displacement Day: When My Job was Looking for a Job…A Reference Guide to Finding Work
The Transformation of a Doubting Thomas: Growing from a Cynic to a Professional in the Corporate World
From Fear to Success: A Practical Public-speaking Guide received the Gold Medal at the 2013 Axiom Business Book Awards in Business Reference
The Unofficial Guide to Fatherhood

advice, anxiety, anxious, assertive, author, book, business, business development, Business Training, change, chapters, Coach, coaching, communication, Communications, Confidence, development, doubt, doubting, doubting thomas, Dowd, fear, growth, Inspiration, interview, interviewing, leadership, learn, lectern, Management, Marketing, mentee, mentor, mentoring, Motivation, national speakers association, Networking, NSA, Personal, personal growth, podium, practical, professional advice, Professional Development, public-speaking, Résumé, Résumé Writing, scared, self, speaker, speaking, stage fright, success, teach, Thomas, Thomas Dowd, tom, Tom Dowd, trainer, training, transformation, transformation tom, transformationtom

Post from Transformation Tom: Get a Mentor- Chapter from “The Transformation of a Doubting Thomas”

April 2, 2018 / tomdowd / News

Professional development comes from a lot of places. One place is from an individual you trust who can tell it to you straight. The trust and respect components in a mutually strong relationship can do wonders for your personal and professional growth. The process requires some strength on your part: You need to take the time with your mentor seriously enough to take the actions suggested by that mentor. Additionally, you must now invest more time in making a difference in your own career. Some people see this invested time as not important enough to make the commitment. Mentor relationships are not intended to just go through the motions. Although not all mentor relationships work out, I’ve rarely seen a situation in which something wasn’t learned, even if it was a small lesson.

I’ve had multiple mentors throughout my career. The definition and intentions of a mentor are far and wide. How two people find each other is also an inconsistent variable. A mentor can be part of a formal work program that matches two people up based on skill, tenure, and ability. A mentor can be someone you look up to, admire, and respect. A mentor can also be someone you seek out for knowledge you currently do not possess, but want to gain. In all cases, a mentor relationship is special because you are being given a third party’s perspective—one that is often completely different from your own thinking.

I started what I like to call a rotating mentor program for myself in 2008, which is continues to be an active part of my ongoing development today. This self-directed program was a proactive approach to building my network and relationships. I often base my selection criteria on a need I have at the time, or on a particular business expectation. I have found the advantage of variety has been something I seek out in order to broaden my own business acumen.

Mentor relationships can be formal, meaning designated meeting times and dates, or informal, meaning you connect through an already-established relationship based on a specific need. You might be surprised at the number of times you need a sounding board or simply objective advice from someone who does not have any vested interest in the game. The objectivity of a mentor gives you stability and sensibility to think straight, while keeping emotions in check.

Informal mentors are always good to have in your arsenal of tools. They are people you have worked with over time, in whose advice and suggestions you have a significant amount of confidence. Informal mentors are people to whom you can simply pick up the phone and say, “Please help me.” The great thing about informal mentors is that typically the person is someone with whom you can release pent-up frustration or gather ideas immediately. I have built up relationships with many people throughout my organization. The people I go to most often know my capabilities and many times know just what to say, at just the right time. I have had many problems in the past related to my own stubbornness, thinking I could do everything on my own. The use of mentors is a continuous reminder that two heads are often better than one.

Mentors have become a key to my ongoing success. My number of connections continues to grow. It is not the number that it is as important as the variety of go-to people. As time goes on in my professional life, people have moved on from a direct working relationship to other areas of the company, while others have left the company. People no longer with your company are a great asset in a mentoring capacity. Whether you strike up a formal or informal relationship is not relevant. The objectivity of people you are seeking advice from means they most likely do not have the same emotional connection to the situation that you do, but still have enough familiarity with the business to provide meaningful guidance to assist you in whatever way you may need.

As someone who is involved in a mentor relationship, you need to put into it what you want to get out of it. I have known many mentor relationships that are simply two people catching up at a designated time and date. The instances when I have learned the most from mentors have been with the ones who have pressed me to stretch myself by giving me assignments and tasks for the next meeting. They often saw my ability and capacity well beyond my own expectations for myself. I was often being taught when I didn’t even realize it.

These successful mentors also forced me to come up with the questions that drove the relationship. If you are in a mentor relationship, ask yourself the questions, “Why?” and, “What do you want to get out of it?” The answers will always vary based on the individual; however, there is always an answer. If you are unsure, use the questions to start the flow of the conversation with the mentor. The added value to the future meetings will begin to take hold. Someone has become your mentor for a reason. It is fair to ask tough questions of him or her and take advantage of the time together to gain from the knowledge, inspiration, and experience he or she can share. The challenge of solving difficult questions together will only build a deeper bond.

Finally, be patient as mentor relationships evolve. You may not always find the perfect match. The differences in opinions, styles, and knowledge that may be causing the strain in the relationship may also be the gap in learning you are seeking. You should take advantage of the situation, whether it is learning to deal with a different style or personality, or dealing with someone who has different expectations of the relationship. This should get you energized to learn to adapt, be patient, and make the most out of the relationship before you give up. Obviously, there is no prescription for the best time and definition of success between a mentor and student. Success may not be known until years from now, when you say, “I remember when my mentor (insert name here) told me that story about…”

I have also been in mentor relationships in which my mentor didn’t do a lot. He or she multitasked during our time together and was not interested, or seemed preoccupied. You may say to yourself, “I would never be like that as a mentor if I was in a similar situation.” You do not always have to have bells and whistles going off telling you this is the time to learn. If you remain active and engaged enough, and pay attention to what is going on around you, you will learn from these observations, so that when you are the mentor you will be fully invested. You may need to sever a mentor relationship that is not working, but you are still walking away stronger than you were before.

Thomas B. Dowd III’s books available in softcover, eBook, and audiobook (From Fear to Success only):

Now What? The Ultimate Graduation Gift for Professional Success
Time Management Manifesto: Expert Strategies to Create an Effective Work/Life Balance
Displacement Day: When My Job was Looking for a Job…A Reference Guide to Finding Work
The Transformation of a Doubting Thomas: Growing from a Cynic to a Professional in the Corporate World
From Fear to Success: A Practical Public-speaking Guide received the Gold Medal at the 2013 Axiom Business Book Awards in Business Reference
The Unofficial Guide to Fatherhood

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