Everywhere we look, people have headsets in their ears listening to music while the world goes on around them. I’ve seen people blindly walk into street poles as they are texting. We multitask more than we want and our attention span gets spread to the limit. We have side conversations with people in the room while a conference call is going on, check messages, or make a call in the middle of a conversation with someone. One of the more difficult things I’ve tried to learn is effective listening. I have to make a concerted effort to try to give my undivided attention to one person at a time. I have to emphasize that the operative word is try. This lesson is a constant work in progress. There are too many opportunities to pull my attention and focus somewhere else.

Effective listening is at risk of being a lost skill. I have found, however, that most successful decision makers and leaders have this rare ability to listen effectively. The ability to focus on one person at a time and truly hear what they have to say allows the whole story to be heard, and builds the relationship for more productive conversations in the future. Listening also builds trust and respect. Think of the person who is always interrupting you and speaking over you. I often found (all right, present tense: “find”—this is still a work in progress) myself doing this. I never had any intention to be rude, but had ideas swimming in my head that needed to be blurted out before they were forgotten or became irrelevant. Maybe I was attempting to be the smartest person in the room, trying to gain attention from my managers, or just wanted to be heard. When this happened,

I was causing frustration and disruption to any real conversation, since the discussions were more one-sided then they needed to be. I had to force myself to listen and not speak. I thought I solved it by taking notes while someone else was speaking. However, I found that the notes started to dominate my own thoughts. I was still selfish in my approach to the conversation. I was silently interrupting someone’s thoughts because, in reality, I wasn’t truly hearing what they were saying.

Many instances of speaking over people are caused by our need to share our next thought with the person we are talking to, regardless of what they are saying. That is really not a productive conversation. I knew I was making progress when I entered the 2009 Fall Toastmasters International Speech Evaluation Contest. The goal of the contest is for all contestants to listen to the same “test” speech. The contestants can take notes during the speech and for five minutes immediately following, must organize and formulate their thoughts. The contestants then give a two to three minute overview “speech” of the key points they want emphasized for the “test” speaker and audience. I ended up finishing in second place in District 45, which includes over 100 clubs. I was using a critical ear, and more importantly, it was making a difference in my professional career.

I found significant improvement in my ability to have productive conversations and build more effective relationships when I put down my pen and simply listened to what someone said. I found there was a more open and fluid dialogue, and this generated more ideas and satisfaction on the part of the other person. Others involved in the conversations started to contribute or at least felt the openness to contributing when they had something important to say. I found greater success personally and more productive teamwork simply by truly listening and not worrying about formulating my next thought.

True listening was a career-altering discovery for me. I still feel the pull, at times, to multitask or gather my next thought. However, the pull gets easier as I continue to practice this skill. The practice has taught me to be a more effective communicator all around because I am now more engaged in the conversation since I am invited to ask open questions and clarify and confirm points. It is amazing the great things others have to say when I just started paying attention.

Thomas B. Dowd III’s books available in softcover, eBook, and audiobook (From Fear to Success only):

• Now What? The Ultimate Graduation Gift for Professional Success
• Time Management Manifesto: Expert Strategies to Create an Effective Work/Life Balance
• Displacement Day: When My Job was Looking for a Job…A Reference Guide to Finding Work
• The Transformation of a Doubting Thomas: Growing from a Cynic to a Professional in the Corporate World
• From Fear to Success: A Practical Public-speaking Guide received the Gold Medal at the 2013 Axiom Business Book Awards in Business Reference
• The Unofficial Guide to Fatherhood

See “Products” for details on www.transformationtom.com.  Book and eBook purchase options are also available on Amazon- Please click the link to be re-directed: Amazon.com

MP3 Downloads of “From Fear to Success:  A Practical Public-speaking Guide” are available at Apple iTunes, Amazon, Rhapsody, Emusic, Nokia, Xbox Music, Spotify, Omnifone, Google Music Store, Rdio, Muve Music, Bloom.fm, Slacker Radio, MediaNet, 7digital, 24-7, Rumblefish, and Shazam “From Fear to Success” MP3 on CD Baby

I can remember the many times I was sending a message to a group of

people and wondered why the entire group didn’t get it. Trying to swing

the tide for a group of people is difficult at times. Although more of an

investment needs to be made up front, I have found consistent success in

my ability to make a difference by working with one person at a time, or

with smaller groups of people. People learn in different ways, and at different

speeds. Although larger group lessons—especially business-specific

training—may save time, more difficult or complex messages may be

better suited for one-on-one situations or smaller groups.

Additionally, in meeting situations, there are a variety of personalities,

opinions, and experience levels. Not everyone in a room or a meeting

is going to agree with what is being said, interpret what is being said

the same way, or even engage in the same way. If you are trying to gain

mutual buy-in for a new proposal, for example, you can gain an advantage

in getting your points across more effectively if you have support

already in the room. You can prepare by having conversations ahead

of time with specific individuals. Even a quick conversation hitting key

points reduces the surprise factor and will engage that person more in the

conversation about the message you are trying to convey. If you feel there

is going to be contention, it is much easier with support already on your

side. Popular opinions grow when there is more support behind them.

Your invested time prior to the meeting will not be wasted time; in fact,

the invested time should make the meeting more efficient and effective by

minimizing the arguments and contrary dialogue. I am realistic enough

to know that the pre-meetings are not required for every meeting, but a

targeted approach for key circumstances will be beneficial when there is

a crucial message you want to convey.

I want to share a story about a message blossoming. I saw a résumé

on a central printer in our workspace that was not organized well and

contained multiple typographical errors. I decided to proactively contact

the person and provide them feedback. I had experience in this field and

wanted to make the story of her career stronger. I didn’t know the person,

but I wrote some notes and gave them to her manager to pass along. She

came to see me and we went over the suggestions. The final product was

excellent and one that made her burst with pride. She told some teammates

about our interaction. I soon had a few more résumé conversations

that turned into career direction conversations. I felt like a counselor, but

I was enjoying the interaction and felt like each conversation was a learning

experience for everyone. I was making a difference one person at a

time. I became driven to help the people I was working with succeed.

More often than not, they needed the little extra push to find their right

path. I was learning that a positive message gets used and passed on.

In another example, I was invited to a small gathering to help spark

interest in getting managers involved in developing themselves, developing

their people, and getting more involved in the community. I shared

many of my professional experiences, relating how my communication,

confidence, and overall growth improved when I began to take steps to

improve myself. I often mentioned Toastmasters as an opportunity for

others to improve their communication and leadership skills. A few

expressed interest in joining the group.

I was surprised when a senior leader whispered an invite to me to

teach her managers how to more effectively manage up. I took the invitation

and prepared an hour-long discussion. The small group interaction

went well. A manager in another department had heard about it from one

of the attendees and asked if I could teach his newer managers how to

communicate more effectively. The session was expanded to include how

to become more organized, how to network better, how to write résumés,

and how to navigate through their careers. We turned the interactions

into a monthly series, and the targeted audience was expanded to include

more tenured managers and people from outside that particular line of

business. Not one of these people reported to me, and not one of them

was obligated to listen. I was learning to adapt my messages based on the

audience, and was improving my ability to provide a message that people

could walk away with and spread to others.

The next time you are finding little success in having your message

absorbed, change your tack. You have important messages to send. Be

proactive, patient, and creative. Pull someone to the side and watch the

message spread.

Thomas B. Dowd III’s books available in softcover, eBook, and audiobook (From Fear to Success only):

• Now What? The Ultimate Graduation Gift for Professional Success
• Time Management Manifesto: Expert Strategies to Create an Effective Work/Life Balance
• Displacement Day: When My Job was Looking for a Job…A Reference Guide to Finding Work
• The Transformation of a Doubting Thomas: Growing from a Cynic to a Professional in the Corporate World
• From Fear to Success: A Practical Public-speaking Guide received the Gold Medal at the 2013 Axiom Business Book Awards in Business Reference
• The Unofficial Guide to Fatherhood

See “Products” for details on www.transformationtom.com.  Book and eBook purchase options are also available on Amazon- Please click the link to be re-directed: Amazon.com

MP3 Downloads of “From Fear to Success:  A Practical Public-speaking Guide” are available at Apple iTunes, Amazon, Rhapsody, Emusic, Nokia, Xbox Music, Spotify, Omnifone, Google Music Store, Rdio, Muve Music, Bloom.fm, Slacker Radio, MediaNet, 7digital, 24-7, Rumblefish, and Shazam “From Fear to Success” MP3 on CD Baby

It used to take me about thirty minutes to commute to work.  I often would spend the drive home analyzing my day to look for what went right. Unfortunately, I do have bad days. In these cases, I would spend time evaluating what I did wrong and what I could have done better. It is a good way to assess my performance and myself so that I can become better the next time. I’m sure my wife appreciates the wind-down time more than when I worked two minutes from the house. Unfortunately, I also have a habit of over-thinking my day’s assessment and continuing this far into the night. I overanalyze a lot of things, but there have been too many times when I have beaten myself up over things I should have just let go.

As a newer manager, I wondered why a solid performer of mine had been out of the office for a long time. I was getting worried about him and decided to call to make sure he was alright. We had a decent relationship and I felt comfortable making the call. When he picked up the phone, he said he was quitting. I asked if there was anything I could do to keep him. I was not looking for him to go into his health history, but I did want him to know that I cared and that I was there to help. He said that he was having a nervous breakdown and “no thank you” to the assistance. I thought the response was odd considering that he had never had any performance or conduct issues in the past.   He had always come to work with a smile on his face, ready to work, and gave no indication of any mental issues. However, I knew I was getting out of my psychiatric league, so I offered some internal services to help. He responded as if he was annoyed with my caring attitude. He said that I could not help, but if I truly wanted to know what was going on he would tell me. I was hesitant now, but if he wanted to get something off his chest, he could use me as a sounding board. He told me he had broken up with his girlfriend. Now, I personally was no expert on relationships since I was single at the time, however, I knew it could sometimes be difficult. However, I did not think that most break-ups caused nervous breakdowns.   I thought I was being a good manager when I said he could use more time away from the office so he could work things out. He started to yell at me and said it was not possible to come back to work, ever. This was probably the time in the conversation to let things calm down, but I wanted to be the patient manager and be a good listener. The employee went on to say that his ex-girlfriend was the official voice on the prompt that every associate in the company heard at the introduction of every single phone call. This means that he would have had to listen to her taped introduction every time he answered a call—eighty times a day.

I learned a lesson that day: sometimes you can’t help, even when you want to. You can always try, but there are times when we just need to let go. I later found out the person did need professional help and there was not much I would have been able to do for him long term.   Sometimes, there are better things around the corner. You may recall my story about when I was not hired for a position in which I would have managed hundreds, but was given the opportunity to start a new taskforce role to reduce employee attrition. Not being hired for the original role taught me the value of losing, but also taught the lesson to “get over it.” I started to realize the many great things that are ahead of us when we let go and move on. Hard work and patience did pay off with a job I was better suited for, even though I did not know it at the time. The great news when I changed jobs was that I did not have to relocate my family, and I have since grown into several other, higher-level roles because of that particular stepping stone. For further validation that I was on a better trajectory, several years later, the economy crashed, the site I would have worked in closed, and the market we had been house hunting in dropped like a rock. I most likely would have been in financial trouble. We have all had bad days or want something different.

We may want to revisit a mistake, we may want a “do over,” we may want to go back to the way things were, or may want what we can’t have. I have to repeat three simple words: Get over it. Sometimes, our control over circumstances is limited. We need to deal with what we can, and learn to get over the rest.   I grew much happier when I began to understand that my career is not a sprint, it is a marathon that I hope grows and prospers with my ability to learn and become better. To use business jargon, if we continue to try to “die on this hill” or “spin our wheels,” our attempts to move forward are hindered. If I am going to hang on too long to something, I should make it the great days in my career. We should all play off the positive energy and momentum from the high points in our careers. We must take the appropriate time to recognize and celebrate the wins and enjoy them, learn from our trials, and get over the rest.

Thomas B. Dowd III’s books The Transformation of a Doubting Thomas: Growing from a Cynic to a Professional in the Corporate World (Honorable Mention at the 2012 New England Book Festival) and From Fear to Success: A Practical Public-speaking Guide (2013 Axiom Business Book Awards Gold Medal Winner and 2013 Paris Book Festival Honorable Mention).  Audiobook version of “From Fear to Success” is also available! See “Products” for details on www.transformationtom.com.  Book and eBook purchase options are also available on Amazon- Please click the link to be re-directed: Amazon.com MP3 Downloads of “From Fear to Success:  A Practical Public-speaking Guide” are available at Apple iTunes, Amazon, Rhapsody, Emusic, Nokia, Xbox Music, Spotify, Omnifone, Google Music Store, Rdio, Muve Music, Bloom.fm, Slacker Radio, MediaNet, 7digital, 24-7, Rumblefish, and Shazam “From Fear to Success” MP3 on CD Baby

Do you understand your true relationship with the people that work
for you? If you are a manager of others, you are given power simply by
having the title of manager next to your name. This title comes with
great responsibility. Dr. Paul Hersey wrote in “The Situational Leader” that,
“Power is influence potential. Power is the resource that enables a leader
to gain compliance or commitment from others.” Earlier in my career, I
knew people “had” to listen to me because they reported to me, so I took
advantage of it. I wasn’t cocky or arrogant. I took advantage of what I
thought were my responsibilities to provide feedback and make people
better. The feedback pointed toward me at times was that I was often too
direct and to the point. My intent was never to belittle, but to make my
people better. I had not established a solid enough foundational relationship to be this direct. I was learning to be a manager, but I was not learning to be a leader.

I once walked into a new hire classroom and was asked a business-related
question. My answer contradicted the trainer, who was not in the
room. I instantly blurted out that she was wrong. The shocked looks on
the newly hired employees said all that needed to be said. A so-called
titled manager of this company had just taken away the respect that
the trainer had been working so hard to gain. There were better ways
to handle that situation. I could have said, “Let me check on that and
get back to you,” and discussed it with the trainer. Regardless of the final
“right” answer, we both were in positions of authority in the eyes of the
employees, and I abused my power and potentially adversely impacted
the credibility of both myself and the trainer. I may have also left a lasting
impression on the new employees’ opinions about their decision to stay
with the company. They may have asked themselves if all managers were
like me.

Some people feared me. I grew to realize the fear wasn’t because they
would get yelled at. I made people feel badly for not performing at a level
I thought they should be. I did not account for their individual circumstances, such as tenure, experience, and confidence. I would push everyone the same way, with the same intensity. This method worked for a few people, but not for most employees. I followed policies to the letter of the law, and people did not see me as someone who would listen to all sides. I was their manager and not their leader. One day, I placed someone on corrective action for a customer situation. I based it on the side of the story I heard from others.

When the person chose to supersede my authority and went to see my
manager, I was upset that he had gone over my head. He told a completely
different story from my interpretation. What I learned was that I thought
I knew all of the answers, knew the policy, and had the authority to make
the corrective-action decision. I soon found out I was missing facts and
needed to listen more. When the situation settled down, I realized that
I could have supported the employee by listening to his side prior to
making any decisions. We all would have been better off. My manager
gave me simple feedback that stuck with me: “You need to be sensitive to
the power of your position.” That day, I put a note on my desk that read,
“P.O.P” to remind me every day of the power of my position.

Managers and leaders must decide how to effectively use the authority
given to them when they start managing people. There are times when
managers must make tough decisions to use their authority and position.
However, everything is not about reprimanding. There are positive uses
of authority, such as issuing rewards and recognition. What’s important
is the person in the position of power understands and assesses each situation as being unique.

A manager also may have the power of having more information
at his or her fingertips than people may want or need. Managers have
natural power that comes with the title and how they wield it becomes
important in the eyes or their employees. Sometimes, I might just need
the person to listen to me. If there is a fire in the building, that may not be
the best time for a group discussion. However, I weighed too heavily in
the past on this type of management style as a way to send my messages
to employees about what to do, as opposed to them learning on their own
or coming up the learning curve at their own pace. I had to understand
how to adapt my style based on what was required at the time for the person, the situation, and me. This learning moment was critical to my own
development, for my effectiveness as a leader, and for the earned respect
of the people who worked for me.

Every move a manager makes is watched. As a manager, you are on
stage whether you like it or not. You may not always be respected, but
people feel the requirement to listen to you due to a fear of losing their
job, repercussions to their job or responsibilities, or impacts to their compensation.

You have the power of your position and must be careful in how this power is exercised. What kind of reputation do you have? I didn’t know my reputation except for what was coming to me through focus groups and some feedback from my managers. I wish I had listened—I mean truly listened—because they were always accurate. Do you want respect because of the title, or do you want respect because of the work you and your team are able to accomplish? The power to move the business and gain the respect of the people around you is greater when that respect is earned and put to good use. We should make the effort to make the most of the influence we are given.

Thomas B. Dowd III’s books The Transformation of a Doubting Thomas: Growing from a Cynic to a Professional in the Corporate World (Honorable Mention at the 2012 New England Book Festival) and From Fear to Success: A Practical Public-speaking Guide (2013 Axiom Business Book Awards Gold Medal Winner and 2013 Paris Book Festival Honorable Mention).  Audiobook version of “From Fear to Success” is also available! See “Products” for details on www.transformationtom.com.  Book and eBook purchase options are also available on Amazon- Please click the link to be re-directed: Amazon.com

MP3 Downloads of “From Fear to Success:  A Practical Public-speaking Guide” are available at Apple iTunes, Amazon, Rhapsody, Emusic, Nokia, Xbox Music, Spotify, Omnifone, Google Music Store, Rdio, Muve Music, Bloom.fm, Slacker Radio, MediaNet, 7digital, 24-7, Rumblefish, and Shazam “From Fear to Success” MP3 on CD Baby

The day will come when you find the job. The day you’ve been waiting
for. You’re euphoric; your new work identity is being forged. Now
what? Besides setting yourself up to start the new job right on day one by
beginning to fulfill your multi-generation plan and SWOT analysis, you
have an opportunity to express your sincere gratitude to the people who
helped you along the way. I bet your network was an incredible help in
landing you the new job. After the thanks are doled out, it doesn’t end.
The network is a living and breathing thing that must be nurtured; some
relationships need to be further developed, while others should be deepened.
You must keep in contact with your network. The frequency of contact
depends on your needs, their needs, and the people themselves. There
are still plenty of people in my network with whom I have too shallow a
relationship, which needs to be addressed, while I still want to reinvent
myself with older contacts. More importantly, there may be some people
out there who I can help the way that others helped me.

You’re deserving of a breather and a huge celebration for your hard
work. As with the earlier message of jumping in immediately to get the
job-search process started, it’s important for the growth and strength of
your network to maintain contact and not take networking time off.
When done correctly, your network will blossom and continue to do
work for you. Just as important, you can be the type of supportive person
you wanted others to be when you were unemployed.

Thomas B. Dowd III’s books available in softcover, eBook, and audiobook (From Fear to Success only):

• Now What? The Ultimate Graduation Gift for Professional Success
• Time Management Manifesto: Expert Strategies to Create an Effective Work/Life Balance
• Displacement Day: When My Job was Looking for a Job…A Reference Guide to Finding Work
• The Transformation of a Doubting Thomas: Growing from a Cynic to a Professional in the Corporate World
• From Fear to Success: A Practical Public-speaking Guide received the Gold Medal at the 2013 Axiom Business Book Awards in Business Reference
• The Unofficial Guide to Fatherhood

See “Products” for details on www.transformationtom.com.  Book, eBook, and audiobook (From Fear to Success only) purchase options are also available on Amazon- Please click the link to be re-directed: Amazon.com

As much as it pains me to say,

You’ll have as little as seven seconds to impress

with your résumé.

Keep it simple and sweet without going

over the top,

But make it spatially pleasing so the recruiter’s

eyes won’t stop.

See “Products” for details on www.transformationtom.com.  Book and eBook purchase options are also available on Amazon- Please click the link to be re-directed: Amazon.com

Be grammatically correct on your CV.

It’s more than running spell check,

as you will soon see.

Share it with others and give them a view,

Your work should always have more eyes

on it than just you.

See “Products” for details on www.transformationtom.com.  Book and eBook purchase options are also available on Amazon- Please click the link to be re-directed: Amazon.com